Today after such a long time, I realized that growing up isn’t such a fun thing anymore. I used to entertain the idea in the past, but it is only today did that tiny depth of reality sunk into me. As we are growing older we’re growing stronger, our bodies slowly maturing to the “optimum” physical shape and strength. Yet, at the very same time we tend to forget that our parents are growing too, just that they’re doing the growing in reverse. They eyesight’s get worse, they experience more frequent pain within the body and their skin texture feels so soft like jelly.
I want to spend more quality time with them, pamper them though I know I’m still not that financially stable yet. Because you’ll never know when tomorrow never comes. Anything can happen to anyone at anytime. Life doesn’t give you a 2nd chance at times, and if you do get it you’re considered to be damned lucky. It always strikes me the hardest when I come into very close contact with my parents especially my dad during such festive times, either the New Year or birthday occasions. That’s when he’ll be the typical traditional chinese father, giving out red packets and giving short “preaches” as he hugs his daughters. This is to be considered a very “sacred” “precious” act, because in the family there’s not much showing of physical affection.
Though I don’t show it but I do notice the wrinkles at the side of his eyes, forehead and face when he smiles. After all these years I’ve learn to detect small minute details fast, observing things less than a split second when it comes to observing him. And it pains me deep inside, because truth is in a way I know this has been happening but maybe I’m still in denial mode at times, thinking that he’s getting old but he’ll still be strong, he’ll be alright. I really need to get rid of this thinking and breakout of my “shell” to extend myself out to show the affection and love that I’ve been keeping it inside me all these while. It’s not going to be easy for sure, considering if I would to take whatever that has happened since the day I’ve been born till this current moment, especially if I’ve to overcome the “stained” memories which I still am very much reluctant to face it, alone. Not that I want to be in denial mode, but maybe because it happened so much earlier in my childhood development. It’s been so long, would it mattered if I addressed the issue? But I know 1 thing for sure, that “experience” definitely moulded my character somehow. Maybe the impact was really huge, but somehow my conscious mind decided to block it out. Deep deep within I know vaguely, in a way subconsciously it was influencing the way I behave, my confidence level up till this very day.
I really hope 1 day I’m able to get myself out of this, successfully once and for all. I always knew I was a “complicated” person right from the very start. Too complicated for normal beings to comprehend I guess.
